9/27/07

I Hope No One Reads This...

I am kinda having a down week. I keep hoping by some miracle I'll get pregnant, but alas I fail every time. I just realize more and more that no one will ever call me "Mommy". I had my chance years ago, and I gave that up. Someone else gets to be "mommy". I'll never get those times back. I'll never get to relive them through another baby. I'll never get to fix boo-boos, go through the first day of school, change diapers, wake up for 3AM nightmares. I lost my chance. I feel like a failure...I feel so.......sad. I spent the other evening in my room just crying while looking at baby pictures of "her". I wasn't sad because of giving her up. I am dying inside because I'll never get the chance to be the mother I know I could be. I realized today that I don't even know what she looks like, what her favorite color is, if she has a boyfriend. I just want the chance to start over. I did what was best at the time. I just didn't realize then it was my only shot. I want it so bad.....every month I sink deeper into a dark abyss. I don't know how to fix me. I'm scared of dying, yet I want to die. I love my husband, but I feel so empty. Alone in a crowded room. I don't talk about how this all really affects me because I fear the response I would get. "Move on, find something else to fill the void". I can't move on, I just cry some more. People all around me are either finding out they're pregnant or they are just having babies. It kills me to watch others get what I covet. It kills me more to see people abuse that gift. I am dying inside....and no one knows it. The life is being drawn away from me every time I fail. I am a failure. I am a waste. I am broken. I am scared................

9/23/07

Give a girl a break...

Alright, I've been slacking. I admit it. It has been crazy around here. I'm still feeling under the weather, but I've made it to work everyday. Good job, me. We are getting ready for company next weekend......3 adults plus 3 teenagers.....this should prove to be interesting. Our house really isn't big enough for that many people. The hubby took me to the "big city" for some shopping the other day. Of course I bought more Eeyore shit than even I know what to do with. But I didn't own any of those items yet, so what is a girl to do? I even bought a new purse.....that takes it up to 9 purses total, 8 have Eeyore on them. Yeah I know, it is bordering on an illness. Being the product whore that I am, I couldn't leave without more makeup, either. What can I say.....I have issues. Sorry, no chapstick purchases.....but I have enough eyeliner to stock a Broadway musical. Drag queens would be jealous of my collection. Since I used to do stage makeup for runway shows and school plays, it's amazing I don't have more. I cleaned everything out a few months ago, but for some morbid reason I still think I need to own 5 different eyeliners, 3 mascaras, 4 foundations, 12 eyeshadow compacts and liquids, and don't even ask about lipstick. These numbers are scary if you realize it has all been purchased in the last 3 months, and that I tossed everything that I had before. God bless my hubby, he has said nothing about the $$$$$ I have spent on makeup. Or cleansers, or clothes, or cleaning products, or.....shit this list could go on forever.

Anyways, enough rambling for now. I got to get ready for work.
BTW....Check the hubby's site for some interesting reads. He has posted some crazy stories he found. MBCBUYB will probably love them.

9/13/07

It was a BIG Week.

Sorry for not getting here sooner. It has been a busy week. Monday was our wedding anniversary and tomorrow is the hubby's birthday. Work has been crazy....dead one minute and slammed for the next. Feast or famine has become a way a life for us. It's all good though, at least I am happy. I escaped work early today, though. I actually got all my shit done early. Probably a good thing since my stomach has been giving me fits all morning. But at least this means I can go back to bed for a few hours. I got home around 8:30PM last night and had to be up to get ready by 3:15AM. Not alot of resting time in there, considering it was almost 12AM before I actually fell into a "none-tossing-and-turning-give-me-another-blanket-why-aren't-you- cuddling-me" sleep. Why yes, I really am like that. I can't fall asleep unless the hubby is in bed cuddling me first. He is my personal bed heater. What can I say, I'm spoiled. Speaking of being spoiled, I'm going to go crawl back under the covers and hope my tummy feels better by the time I get up. Or maybe I'll just stay in bed all day, that works for me too.

9/8/07

War with the hubby


So the one on the left is the original picture of the one that is now in the sidebar. I decided to try some Photoshop work with it and that is one of the updated versions. The one on the right is the one on our desktop. I was playing around and hit a wrong key, that is how she ended up becoming transparent and picking up the background color. I thought it was a nice effect by the time I was done playing around. I also painstakingly removed the background roses. It was a bitch because the colors were so close. But I think for it being the first complex design I've worked with, it came out well. Now the hubby can complain all he wants about me putting stuff on the desktop, but he's the one that got the original pictures. And he is the one that should me how to play with Photoshop in the first place. He has only himself to blame. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

9/6/07

It's My Weekend

It's my weekend!!!! Yea!!! Ok, so I'm a little excited. Now is it because it's weekend time, or because the hubby and I are celebrating our second anniversary on Monday? Probably the anniversary. And next Friday is his "29th" birthday. Now he has decided to enter my small little blogging world (I have a link to his page in the side bar). He thinks he can take over my world. News flash, I rule my world....that's why they call me Princess. LOL. Guess it's a good thing I love him so damn much. But he better understand ....I win. Speaking of the hubby .....this is a picture he took while out with his mom. Those birds are a bunch of pelicans chasing down bait fish (probably herring) out in the bay. I am told there were thousands of them out there. Hopefully this means that the salmon will start coming in soon. MMMM... salmon spread, smoked salmon, baked salmon and canned salmon. Then after a week of salmon overload....I'll be good for another year. LOL.

FYI.......evil manager bitch was given another write-up, given a last chance notice (next write-up is a 5 day suspension) and then if she screws up again.....she is so fucking gone, and I will have to move onto another goal. So, any ideas on what my next hostile take over move should be? What can I say....I'm very career minded, and stupid bitches that stand in my way (and can't do the damn job, by their own admission) must be disposed of to make way for people that can do a monkey's job without all the shit-flinging. Some call it catty or bitchy...I call it upper-management material.

9/3/07

YIPPPEEEEE!!!!!!

Ok, so I'm a little excited that summer is about fucking over. Sure, the hours at work will get cut, but that is great since that also means that the terrorists....I mean tourists all go home, the little vandalizing shits go back to school, and all becomes quiet in our little town. So....YIPPPPEE!!!!!
I've been blowing money likes it's going out of style this week. New clothes, new makeup, new "toys". It's not very often I get to splurge on my hubs and myself like this, so it's been fun. And he isn't complaining much. ;) It's otherwise been a quiet weekend. The in-laws are out of town for the week, so we get the house to ourselves with no bitching, complaining, or yelling. It's nice. I do wish Mom-in-law would go back to work though. It's rough with her here 24/7. Stressful. Let's just say she can get a little bent over the stupidest shit....now I'm no angel, but at least I can control my temper for longer than 3 seconds. At least when she was working she was only here on the weekends and things were great from Sunday night till Friday morning. Oh fucking well....... it will get better when we can afford our own place again. If I can get rid of the Starbucks manager, (and I use that term lightly), maybe I can get into her position, make $6 more an hour, actually give that department some real management, and work my way up from there. But first that worthless piece of shit has got to go. We are getting closer.....3 write-ups in 1 week. Way to go, Dipshit!!! Ok.....enough bitching for one post. I got dishes to get done anyways.