I am kinda having a down week. I keep hoping by some miracle I'll get pregnant, but alas I fail every time. I just realize more and more that no one will ever call me "Mommy". I had my chance years ago, and I gave that up. Someone else gets to be "mommy". I'll never get those times back. I'll never get to relive them through another baby. I'll never get to fix boo-boos, go through the first day of school, change diapers, wake up for 3AM nightmares. I lost my chance. I feel like a failure...I feel so.......sad. I spent the other evening in my room just crying while looking at baby pictures of "her". I wasn't sad because of giving her up. I am dying inside because I'll never get the chance to be the mother I know I could be. I realized today that I don't even know what she looks like, what her favorite color is, if she has a boyfriend. I just want the chance to start over. I did what was best at the time. I just didn't realize then it was my only shot. I want it so bad.....every month I sink deeper into a dark abyss. I don't know how to fix me. I'm scared of dying, yet I want to die. I love my husband, but I feel so empty. Alone in a crowded room. I don't talk about how this all really affects me because I fear the response I would get. "Move on, find something else to fill the void". I can't move on, I just cry some more. People all around me are either finding out they're pregnant or they are just having babies. It kills me to watch others get what I covet. It kills me more to see people abuse that gift. I am dying inside....and no one knows it. The life is being drawn away from me every time I fail. I am a failure. I am a waste. I am broken. I am scared................
The Princess
My Prince Charming
I do love this man
The Royal Baby
Or moose, I'm not sure which
The Royal Highness
She is the regal one in the house
The Royal Pain
This was the one moment he didn't look retarded
The view
How can you not love this place
My Counter
Small Issues
9 comments:
I know these feelings well my friend, been feeling them for the past 8 years since we got married and tossed out all birth control. 8 years, 12 times a year....96 chances missed.
All I can tell you is, never say never.
Out of curiosity, have you considered adopting from the foster care system? Hammer, who occasionally comments on my blog has 3 children adopted out of foster care. He's very willing to share his experieces with others.
I'm thinking of ya, hang in there!
I can't even consider adoption. I put my daughter up for adoption, I never want her coming back on me and asking if we just decided she wasn't good enough so we replaced her. I know it is probably insane, but I know the thought would go through my head if I were in her shoes. I could get pregnant if we went through in-vitro. The problem is affording it. I had a tubal ligation after i had my daughter, (postpartum makes you do stupid things), getting it reversed would cost around $8000, cash up front. In-vitro can start at around $3000 and get way up from there. So, unless we win the lottery, I get to continue going through bouts of depression due to feeling like the ultimate failure.
I am so sorry that you are feeling like this.
Life throws stuff at us all the time.
I am sure your daughter would understand if you considered adoption.
I lost my daughter at 38 weeks, nearly 7 years ago. I went on to have another son but we are just going through the fostering process.
I know its cliche to say you have to pick yourself up and get on with it. But its true. You just have to dust yourself off and make the most of your life. I have been to the bottom of all things dark and clawed my way to the top again. So I know it can be done.
Take care of yourself sweetie
Good words Britmum!
JennE:You did the best possible thing for your child. I can't imagine the guilt that comes with that but I admire your courage.
I don't think it's right for you to continue punishing yourself though. Get your head straightened out and start persuing your dreams. I know damn well that you would be giving me the exact same lecture if the tables were turned.....cuz that's the kinda bitch you are :)
HUGS
I am also sorry to hear that you are going through this. Just know that no matter how it feels, you aren't alone in that Dark Abyss. Take it from me, I've been a resident of that abyss for quite some time but I am getting closer to freedom. I'm not going to tell you not to do it, or to change it, or something to that effect. I will, on the other hand, pass you on the way, wish you well, and genuinely ask you to try and not stay too long.
I just wanted to stop by again and tell you I was thinking about you.
Hey, hope it's not too intrusive of me to stop by and pop my head in.
I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry you're going through this, but I do agree that you did the right thing for your daughter at the time.
As far as her thinking she wasn't good enough if you adopted (since you gave her up for adoption), look at it this way. If given the chance to explain it to her you could always say that you adopted BECAUSE of her. Because not having her made you realize what you were missing. Also, think of it this way...you could be helping the child you adopt, in the same way that your daughter was helped. You weren't able to care for her at the time, but she found a family who could.
You could be *that* family for the child you adopt.
There are so many children that could use loving, good parents.
Since the in-vitro option doesn't sound possible, this might be the way to go.
Again, just my $.02 which with today's housing market out here in CA is probably only worth about half a cent ;-)
I have been thinking about you all day since I posted. I'm sorry that my timing is so incredibly shitty.
Just popping in to say 'hello'
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